It's all in the title

So a good friend of mine, Amy, has started a new blog (Keeping up with the Morrells). We've been out of touch for a while now but she invited me to join her blogosphere and I've enjoyed her posts and the feedback from her friends. I'd like to have her add a link to my blog, so in advance of that I feel the need to explain why my blog is so aptly titled, Silence Must be Kept.

It's actually sort of funny....I'm attending the funeral for the mother of one of my best friends from college (I guess that's not so funny). They are Episcopalean so the structure is very similar to my Catholic upbringing. There's a section during the service where they ask the congregation to respond. There is the priest's script and our response in italics. I'm reading along, flanked by my Mom and my good friend, Paul. We're listening and responding....then comes a final response followed by some additional text in italics. It reads, "silence must be kept." Well, being the conscientious responder that I am, I blurt out, "silence must be kept." Needless to say I'm the only one responding....my Mom hits me with her elbow, my friend Paul drops to his pew in hysterics and, fortunately, it serves as more of a humorous interlude than embarrassing faux pas. I must say that I was mortified.

Later that evening, as I contemplate my gaffe it occurs to me....those words carried some tremendous meaning for me. I basically lived a lie in my life for the majority of my adolescence and adulthood. I denied my gayness for so many years....living a life I thought I was supposed to live....go to college, meet a nice girl, get married, have kids. Silence must be kept. A lot was happening at the end of my relationship with my ex-wife....we struggled financially taking care of 4 kids....I'd started a new job with a dot.com start-up. I became more and more interested in pursuing those feelings deep inside of me....my desire to be with a man. I did and the end was near.

I am deeply sorry for the way things came about. I thought I could handle it....I was wrong. I lived a life that was not honest nor trustworthy. I have apologized to all that I hurt....most have accepted it....others have not and will not. I am very pleased to say that my entire family and my closest friends all accept me as I am and have forgiven me for my mistakes.

There you have it. The story of how this came about and what it means to me. I think it's going to make a great book title someday....Silence Must be Kept.